Here comes February

I have not posted in a while, thought that maybe I was becoming a little too obsessive during my two-week wait.
So just an update - its a BIG FAT NEGATIVE ( BFN) this month, it was twice as hard to get over the disapointment. Was totally out of it and am not sure if I'm passed that stage. To add to our despair, the only hope to my fertility solution - my OBGYN decided to ask us to take a break this month. So there goes this cycle........
I am begining to suspect that maybe, I am not destined to be a mother/pregnant at all. Somehow, after trying for a while, you need to face the music and decide that ' Hey maybe its just not meant to be, that maybe even if I would get pregnant something bad would happen so what better way than be barren?'I am trying to strive to overcome this better...... sometimes I suddenly get this epiphany of just letting go and going on with life.
I have not managed to enjoy just the simple things in life anymore without thinking about my fertility. I haven't even come to terms about my feelings for others who are constantly there to support me let alone what all this is doing to my married life.
So much despair and hopelessness.... that somehow I just wished that He will end my misery and just get me pregnant! But well, its never like that in life and I am just beginning to learn that in life you'll never get anything and everything you want.
So I'll try to be insensitive and not to become obsessed with this anymore, but its like a heroin addict, the temptation to overanalyse everything you are going through is overwhealming. And at the slightest temptation you are back to square one!
But I'll get down on my knees and pray"
"Lord grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And Wisdom to know the difference."