*****Pain*****

When will the pain ever stop? When will all this anger and frustration end? When will I get over the loss and sadness? I feel like part of me died when I got the news! I dont feel whole anymore. I feel jealous at pregnant women and then feel angry that they are taking all this for granted! I feel like shouting at them " ENJOY ALL THIS PAIN AND SYMPTOMS FOR HEAVENS SAKE BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE WILL JUST NEVER GET TO EXPERIENCE WHAT YOU ARE FEELING!"
But I am not this kind of a person, I hate what I am becoming. But I cannot help it. What do I do? What can I do to forget about all this and fill in the gaps and holes? Do I resort to anti-depressives just to get that false sense of security and happiness? I just can't stop this feeling, its eating me from inside. When I delve deeper into my psyche I feel such loss. A loss of my womanhood. I will never get to be a parent.... face it I tell myself. But how do I believe that when my insides are shouting out at me not to give up! I can't take all these feelings. I dont want to be an angry and emotional person. I dont want to be this person that people have to gingerly speak too and purposely be left out from being told that your friend/collegue is pregnant so as not to upset me! I dont want to be this person. But I can't find myself anymore, I am just an empty vessel trying to get thru one day at a time. Its so terribly hard, people dont understand the pain I am going thru. Even I can't comprehend this pain! Where am I heading too? The path of self destruction?