And the new year comes.....

I think I have decided for the new year I shall use this blog as my personal diary , a window into my thoughts.
I spent welcoming the new year staring at somebody's vagina and thinking how the hell am I going to repair this. Feeling irritated that this women had all this tears and that I was stuck having to repair it whilst others were celebrating and well I did plan to run to the 11th floor and watch the fire-works. So there I was stuck in a pool of blood and with pure frustration tried to repair what the little baby did to her mother! After 1 hour plus I thought I'd leave her there with a tampon in situ and hopefully in an hours time when I removed it , foolishly I thought everything will miraculously clot up! Unfortunately, it didn't , as when I pulled out the tampon it was like pulling out the plug to a tap and she continued to bleed...... that's when I panicked! Like a scared kitten I just ran, asking my collegue for a favour to see if she would be more successful in reparing the tear and arresting the bleeding. And I left for another caesar! Thank goodness , she did. What I got in return? I got an earful of enquiries by my boss as to how could this lady bleed like this, but the lady probably had it worse, as I wonder how much worse it's going to be if she has another baby soon! Just hope that I am not on call on that day!
The ensuing hours improved a little, I got up 2 hours later, contemplating what my new year's resolution would be..... you see every year I dont think I ever made resolutions but probably I did say "well this year I shall be like....... and I shall not......" you know what I mean nothing very specific and nothing very urgent.... so I thought this year better think of something constructive that at least at the end of the year I can look back and say "hey I managed to achieve that" and feel proud about something instead of feeling the emptiness I felt at the end of last year.
I drove to my mother's house as I had convinced my significant other to spent new year's with his family since I was stuck at work..... bad idea, I'll tell you why later. Upon arrival at my mother's house, I was ambushed. Wished everyone happy new year. My grandmother was still around post christmas and she was on her way back that morning. Said goodbyes and then settled down on my favourite spot on my mother's couch hoping to catch a few hours of shut eye before lunch. My father ambushed me , with all the talk about my brother's departure to Singapore. Yes my brother's off leaving the nest to continue his studies in Singapore. I was instantly filled with sadness, sad that my little baby brother was growing up and disappointed in myself that I had not spent enough time with him in the past and now the oppurtunity would be lost forever. We would be drifting apart even more now. Worried also that he was so young to be going somewhere to study, somewhere new where nothing was comfortably local......a place where people are Type A and 'kiasu'. Would this stress be good for him at a young age? Plus without both parents there for him all the time would he turn out to be a rebelious teenager gone the wrong way and corrupted by wicked means? I mean I know what it was like to leave the nest and go to a place so foreign that you actually felt you were banished for something bad you had done. And come the weekend you feel a deep sense of emptiness filled with homesickness and cry yourself to bits cause you are missing home and your family. I didnt want that for him. But unfortunately I didn't have any say to that. Everyone at home was in good spirits saying that this was an opening for him to go overseas, and exit in case something would hit our country. So again not wanting to make everyone displeased, I took the path of least resistance and helped coach my brother in mathematics and english as he was to sit for a placement test on Thursday. Looking at him so determined to prove to my father and he had everything to make it, I felt sad, cause I knew deep down he felt like a little baby, scared to disappoint and going to the limit not knowning what was down in the abyss if he fell. I could not reach him cause we passed that path.... somehow somewhere in the period of him growing up and me busy trying to reach my dreams of becoming a doctor and discovering who I was I think we just let the moment fly by. Its sad cause my brother was practically my life..... prior to leaving for India I was like a second mum to him, I used to fetch and carry him to kindergarden and have lunch and tea with him and even take him on weekly excursions to the mall. You know what got me thinking was when I told him that I was sad that he was going and he replied very matter of factly " well you left me the last time and you didn't even ask me how I would feel". Wow.... what a blow beneath my belt. I felt the wind escape from my stomach like after a blow! How he must have felt when I just left without explaining to him, he must have thought that I left because he was naughty and that I didnt want to spend time with him anymore, what to think in a 6 year old mind, losing his one and only sister who was his world.
So that got me thinking about new year's resolution, this year I will strive to maintain a good and interactive relationship with my brother. I want him to still know that I am there for him at any moment and that if he feels he cannot share this with anyone I will be there.
Next I strive to be more patient ( the soundtrack of Take That - Patience comes to mind), to feel less frustrated and not to take it out on anyone but myself if I do feel that way.
Lastly to deal with my stress appropriately and not escaping into the realm of eating myself to death!
So determined I ended the day on a depressing note, feeling sad for my brother and feeling lonely in an empty apartment. If you asked me how I spent my new year's day - I'll describe it as "Watching someone you love , suddenly grow up before your eyes and feeling empty that you are alone on the first day, first start of the year". Perhaps that is a sign of what's to come. Go figure.