Lost

Its 415am in the morning, and I think that's the end of my sleep for tonight. Arghhh... why does the patient have to bleed at this time. I am still so exhausted from the whole week! But thats beside the point.
Feel like I am at a dead end now. Unsure which route to take. On one hand I know its no point obsessing about certain issues but its getting difficult when you cant share that feeling with anyone. Feel like just bulldosing ahead, taking what may come into stride. But I am just so so tired. And I think I am alone in this journey. Feel that everyone else around me has their own journey, and thier own worries and its unfair to expect them to understand and empathize with what you are going through. Recently a closed family member was diagnosed to have a malignancy, what shocked me the most is that it hit me only after a few days, something difficult to describe, sudden emptiness. But being ashamed of this, my first reaction was there goes our plans, and stuff, will life be a standstill now, a tremendous time of holding of breaths, and waiting to exhale???? Maybe that is the way I am dealing with this issue, others may have their own method of coping, but is it selfish of me to think how this is going to impact my life alone? Well I am trying, not to think about the impact this is having on me, just skimming on the surface at the moment until I can put my finger on it. As usual my life's just about to get bumpy... so what else is new?