Acceptance

They say there are a few stages when it comes to finally getting over some calamity/bad news or even death.First being denial, then grief and then finally acceptance.One of such calamity I had to face with was the question of fertility. Yes, every married woman or couple as such goes through this. Of course when you initially bring back that special someone to meet the folks and family , the FAQ was ' so when are you two tying the knot' , and then when you both finally do, the FAQ is then shifted to ' so when are you two going to have a baby'.I am sure everyone has been through down that path.Being married for a year, by medical definition I would fall in one of those categories of an infertile couple. Initially when we first starting trying after the post marital bliss had settled, we gave ourselves the excuse that we were both married but living apart, and then of course we were living with my parents, but no matter what there was always hope and then associated with disappointment every month when the 'aunty came to pay a visit'. Finally I actually had a phobia, fear of even trying and of what if there was something wrong with me, was I paying for my past sins that I had inflicted on others? Was it my karma? I started making bargains with God and only getting more frustrated when it didn't happen and finally just leaving God out of the equation.But then I realised that I was not the only one going through this, in fact my best friend also was experiencing these trials and disappointments. Suddenly I wasn't alone in this and that at least I could open up to someone.But then, lucky for her she got pregnant. Then I felt my whole world crumbled and ended, you know it was always alright to feel envious about other people ( those who were not close to you) but not your bestest friend, and now suddenly I felt so lost, I couldn't feel jealous and sad about my best friend, for I knew that if she had known how lost I had felt she would have been torn as too weather to share future thoughts with me. So I put a really brave front and took it by the horns. Dont get me wrong, of course I am so so happy for her, I know how much and how hard she had been trying and I am so glad that she was successful. Of course deep down I wished it could have happened together that way we could share every single moment together but that was not to be.But all this was just the pathway to my acceptance. Of course initially I went through a period of denial. My periods had come late during one cycle and I was actually elated though deep down I somehow had a feeling that the delay wasn't because I was pregnant but then again I chose the path of denial! I went to the extend of buying 3 pregnancy kits and still not believing after the third one was negative, opting to try for blood levels as a means of consoling myself that it might be too early for the kit to detect it. But the stone cold hard truth came when the girl on the other side of the line actually gave me the results and told me she was sorry that I wasn't pregnant. I was pathetic.That shifted me to the next stage - grief. And mind you I think I spent quite a while in this stage, I remember once telling my husband that I didn't want to work anymore cause it was so blatant in front of my eyes, watching people get pregnant everyday at work and seeing half of them not conscientious enough to bother about their pregnancy. Work was a constant reminder of my failure to conceive. Following that I remember even telling my husband that I can't be a great best friend now with all these feelings within me. But he was the one with his silent support edging me through this stage of grief. I just wallowed into my sadness and went into quite a period of depression (hogging and putting on 5 kg). What woke me up? I guess I was just tired of blaiming everyone for my failure and realised that if I didn't get out of this stage I would certainly lose my best friend! A good wake up call. That was the process leading me to the next stage - acceptance.I realised to live and let live. Que sera sera. After all if it wasn't meant to be then it just wasn't meant to be. I suppose the thought of that sinking in , made me function better at work and also allowed me to be a better best friend.I now am , I wont say a better person, but somehow a better adjusted person. I dont break down and cry and feel sad when I see someone I know who is pregnant, neither do I feel sorry for myself anymore. In fact, I am indeed very excited about my best friend's pregnancy, I am hoping that I can be there for her when she actually goes into labour, and of course I can't wait to shower her baby with tons of toys and spoil her rotten.So for those of you feeling despair, just a word of advice, go into it and complete the cycle of denial, grief and finally acceptance, cause at the end of this process you realise you have grown a little wiser and that there is more to life than just feeling sorry for yourself and envious of others. If you just look within the confines of your life you would realise that there are more things to be thankful for. So right now by big baby is non other than by darling husband. Acceptance is power.